There’s something about the words ‘food challenge’ that inspire all who hear them into believing their stomachs are larger than they actually are. That yes, we can eat an entire kilogram of meat, no matter what happened last time we tried to polish off a steak. That our stretchy pants can handle the pressure, and we will be able to push through the food coma to finish every last bite.
So when Bavarian Bier Café challenged us to eat a 1kg veal schnitzel, complete with four sides, in 1 hour, we said ‘pffft’ to the naysayers and ‘hell yes!’ to the promise of the biggest food baby of our life, and sent along the biggest eater of the team. This is what happened.
The first stage: Optimism
The pressure to get my name on the wall of champions was real from the get go. With a ringing bell leading the way for the epic schnitzel as it made its way to our table, all eyes in Bavarian turned on me. And what did they see? Some skinny chick who clearly has delusions of being able to eat more than the 470 people who’ve already tried this challenge, and failed. But what do they know? I I’ve been training for this moment my whole life (ok, the last two days), and I have a reputation to uphold here. MY BODY IS READY.
The second stage: Denial
20 minutes in to the challenge, I’d made it through a third of the schnitzel, which is roughly the size of a laptop. And not one of those mini ones. My sides of sauce (hot tip: totally counts as a side), mushrooms, green beans and sauerkraut (no carbs were going to ruin this for me) already had a hefty dint in them. Victory was within my grasp. Was I feeling uncomfortable? Sure. Did I want to stop? No way. A 5 minute breather and some rehydration and I’d get a second wind, I just knew it.
The third stage: Defeat
10 minutes later and it was over. That second wind lasted as long as another 2 bites. All those times I pushed my stretchy pants to the limit had not prepared me for the sheer amount of meat I was trying to eat. The remaining half a schnitzel was still at least as big as my head, and no amount of dipping in sauce, cutting into tiny portions or coating in sauerkraut was going to get this bad boy down. Even with half an hour to go, and our waiter cheering me on (not to mention the tables around us looking on), I had already internally admitted defeat.
Waddling away breathing heavily with a food baby that could rival the bellies in a maternity ward, I was still pretty impressed with myself. I may have wreaked havoc on my digestive system for days, but I hadn’t put in an embarrassing effort – isn’t that all a girl can ask for?
If you want to take on the challenge, you’ll find it on Bavarian Bier Café’s
schnitzel menu. Be warned, it’s designed for 4 people, but while it’s a cool $100, you’ll get it free if you manage to fit it all in!
Words by Ranyhyn Akui