Looking for a few new and delectable reasons to eat yourself stupid this month? Pfft, no, we eat ourselves stupid every month. But hell, why not!?
If your answer’s yes too, great! Here’s 26 of them:
A is for Alcohol
The reason for the season, baby. Prep your Pimms jugs and cue the brandy… we’re whacking rum in everything that moves (including but not limited to balls, puddings and our Uncle Jerry – he’s a real hoot on the sugarcane champagne).
B is for Balls
Lots of them. (Get your mind out of the gutter – we’re talking rum balls – get rolling).
C is for Cake
Christmas and cake both start with the same letter. Coincidence? We think not. Please excuse us while we discard all of our belts, non-elasticated pants and pencils skirts.
D is for Drinking
They call it party season for a reason. Disregard all rules and responsibilities this Christmas – if you want to get drunk and dance nude in your Santa apron – then be our inappropriately dressed guest, my friend.
E is for Eggnog
More fun to say than it is to drink, this very strange elixir of custardy egg goodness is a mystery to most Australians. Who wants to drink eggy, custard noggness on a 35 degree day? Nog me.
F is for Feasting
… and the resulting food baby.
G is for Gingerbread House
Sweet, sweet fortress of icing and smarties. The only house our generation can comfortably afford without forgoing your avo toast on the reg – sit back, relax, and enjoy crumbling the gingerbread housing market in your own hands.
H is for Ham
Call us ham-bidextrous, ‘cause we’re grabbing that glazed bad boy with both hands. We like pig butts and we cannot lie.
I is for Indigestion
Eat. Eat. Eat. Repeat.
J is for Jin
Okay… you got us… gin doesn’t start with a J. But after what can only be described as a long-term holiday relationship with a bottle of Bombay Sapphire and a handful of home-made gin cocktails
, you won’t be able to spell it correctly either.
K is for Kipfler Potatoes
Did somebody say carbs? You’ve been prepping you bikini body all summer for this glorious starch-filled moment. Roast carbs, cream covered carbs, carbs in potato jackets (because clearly they’re like a warm, secure, satisfying carb hug), we can’t get enough of these babies… we’re hooked on a-peeling.
L is for Lamb
Mary had a little… well… Jesus. But usually it’s lamb and for that reason we’re donning it the meat of the month and tucking down on every roast, cutlet and kebab we can get our chops around.
M is for Marzipan
In everything, on everything, around everything.
N is for Nutcracker
To some, it’s the ballet… to others, it’s a tool of macadamia discovery. But whether you’re singing sugar plum fairy or smashing nuts over the coffee table, Christmas is the only time of year ‘nutcracker’ makes its way into conversation.
O is for Oysters
Love ‘em or hate ‘em, these little snot shells hit their stride come Christmas. And why wouldn’t they? Seafood and eat it is the name of the Christmas game. Shuck it to us!
P is for Pudding
Cover us in custard and call us a maraschino cherry baby, ‘cause pudding’s the single most reason we tolerate tinsel and Michael Bublé for eight weeks of every year. Granny’s been drizzling rum on that bad boy since September and we’re already prepping our stretchy pants. Pa-rum-pa-pum-PUDDING.
Q is for Qurabiya
Look, not going to lie to you, we Googled it. But it’s an almond shortbread and it looks bloody delicious, so it made the cut. Happy qurabiya’ing.
R is for Roast
Ahh roast… we meat again. We’re going from zero to meat-sweats this festive season and smothering December in applesauce and gravy. Don’t even get us started on the Christmas leftovers – did someone say meat hangover carved to order?
S is for Summer Body
Lol jokes, it’s for Santa (who shares the same body type as us, post December 25). There’s pear shaped and triangle shaped, but we’re rocking the new and improved pudding shape (it was in this month’s Vogue, don’t tell us you missed it).
T is for Turkey
Because you know we’re all about that baste.
U is for Unbutton
Yep, you heard correctly. Buttons be flying. Who needs that kind of restriction around their cake keeper anyway?
V is for Variety
It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Mostly because there are twelve different kinds of antipasto on the plate, eleven rum balls in the bowl, ten craft beers in the esky, nine salads on the buffet, eight kinds of cookies, seven different wines, six desserts in the fridge, fiiiiiiiive wheeeels of cheeeeeeese. Four meats to choose, three French champagnes, two oven gloves and a partridge in a pear tree (which we don’t recommend you eat).
W is for Whiskey
Warmer of bellies, maker of pour decisions, there’s no time like the Christmas present to revel in a little hard liquor. (Nek minnut – dancing in front of Aunt Betty in your undies… thank goodness she’s seen it all before.)
X is for XXL
Our post Christmas pant size.
Y is for Yuletide Cheese
It’s cheese – but at Christmas time. Cultured on so many levels.
Z is for Zzz
The subtle sounds of your post-Christmas food coma.
Bring on the Christmas hunger games. May the eggnogs be ever in your favour.
Words by Lucille Burkitt