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How to host a cheat’s Christmas lunch in Brisbane
Eatin’ food cooked by someone else ain’t cheatin’.
The gift that keeps giving on Christmas Day is food (we’re already dreaming about the leftovers, tb very h with you). The gift that does not is having to cook it all up yourself. The mess, the clean up, the gentle weeping into your vodka cranberry (it didn’t need extra salt!). Sweet baby Jesus’ birthday, can’t someone else do it?!
Someone can, and someone does; a lot of someones, actually. Slap on some elf ears and call us Santos L. Halper because we’ve created the ultimate shopping list complete with every pre-cooked dish you need for a fully loaded cheat’s Christmas lunch.
Christmas Porchetta | Ristorante La Famiglia | Woolloongabba
It doesn’t get much better than porchetta, especially when it’s rolled, stuffed and ready to impress your guests on Christmas Day. The Italian stallions at Ristorante La Famiglia are selling porchetta by the kilo to pick up on Christmas Eve, so all you’ll have to do is pop it in the oven the next day. It’s simple, it’s gluten free, it’s darn right delicious, and you can order yours here. How many kilos downed on one’s own is socially acceptable? Asking for a friend…
Glazed leg ham | Jocelyn’s Provisions | Fortitude Valley
We’ve gotta ham it to Jocelyn’s, they know what the people want for Christmas. A big boi, more accurately a 5kg clove studded, apricot and maple glazed ham, will make a fine addition to Chrissy lunch. Slap it right in the centre of the table, and take the credit for yourself. Order that big pig here.
Cooked turkey | Tognini’s Café Deli | Milton
Before Gran gets a little twerky, pull out the Christmas turkey. Tognini’s cooked turkey will save you a world of time, making for a cracker sleep in without having to stress about plating up a memorable feast. We’ll take ours stuffed with apple, dried cranberries, sage, ham and bread, but the options to buy gluten-free or plain exist and are f(l)avourable. Order up here.
Mixed mini quiches | Vanilla Pod | Ascot
Our lactose intolerance is taking a Christmas break because QUICHE! Pull out everyone’s fave side dish with either ham, cheese and caramelised onion or roasted pumpkin, feta and rosemary fillings. Por que no los dos? Get ‘em while they’re hot here.
Christmas salads | Botanica | Various Locations
You do win friends with Botanica salad, and you sure don’t want to make enemies on Christmas Day. Get the good stuff with the queen B’s Christmas salad range, tossed together with the likes of Christmas slaw, freekah and roasted carrot and quinoa creations. Find your perfect festive side here.
Cooked prawns | The Fishery | Milton
Is it really Christmas lunch without a bunch of prawns? Chuck a shrimp on the barbie (or don’t, because they’re all cooked and ready to go), with the freshest selection in town thanks to The Fishery. Call the team on (07) 3369 4707 to order your Fishmas feast.
Snow is alright, but cheese falling from the grater is just as beautiful. Prepared by The Cheese Pleaser’s head chef, Sebastiaan de Kort, you can order one of two perfect platters (or both, you can never have too much solid cow juice), with the finest cheese, chutney, and other pairings that’ll bring a whole lot of ‘hello, yes’ to the table. Work out your order here.
Chocolate cherry pavlova | Jocelyn’s Provisions | Fortitude Valley
Have a merry cherry Christmas with Jocelyn’s signature pavlova. The full shebang includes mascarpone cream, chocolate sauce and fresh cherries, with all components packaged separately to assemble just before serving. Piece of pav! Order yours here.
Gingerbread house | Vanilla Pod | Ascot
Honey, we’re home. Vanilla Pod’s 10 inch high gingerbread house is built by the finest candy construction workers in Brisbane, with solid candy cane support beams and plenty of sweet treats decorating the crib. Bring a bit of Christmas magic to post-lunch dessert with this puppy by ordering here.
Piñata pudding | 31 Degrees Custom Chocolates | Woolloongabba
Crack open a Chrissy pudding and call it a day. 31 Degrees’ famous piñata pudding is back and filled to the brim with marshmallows, scorched almonds, rum truffles and Christmas chocolate shapes. We reckon it’ll be a hit with the sweet tooths in your family, so make sure you get one here.
Eggnog bundt donuts | Nodo | Various Locations
Nog, nog, who’s there? It’s Nodo’s eggnog bundt donuts with duche de leche glaze and freeze-dried plum, and a very eager group of Christmas dessert hunters who have just found the greatest sweet, seasonal fusion known to mankind. Contact the team at email@example.com to organise your order.
Christmas canelé | Bella and Tortie | Online
It’s not quite cake and it’s not quite cannoli, it’s canelé! Bella and Tortie have nailed their signature treat with a Christmas twist, gussying up an already glorious dessert with fruit mince and rum ball flavours, just to name a couple (but what a pair!). If you’re ready to taste the holidays, head here.
Christmas be-gins now. Essentially a full Christmas meal in a bottle, Four Pillars mind-blowing Christmas gin is what you need to leave out for Santa this year. Using distilled Christmas puddings with juniper, cinnamon, star anise, coriander (this is fine) and angelica over the top, a gin so merry that Michael Bublé himself would wake from his slumber for in the middle of the wrong season at the mere scent is at your fingertips here.
RTD cocktails | Various
Get messy without the mess thanks to ready-to-drink cocktails! Put the blender down and head to our guide on what’s worth buying here.
Merry Christmas, ya hungry animals.